Ancestry
If you’ve ever signed up for an account on ancestry.com or a similar site, you will know that you then get emails announcing a new “leaf” or possible relative on your family tree. This week I got an obituary for Henry Miley, born in 1877, a great-grandfather I never met. I also got a leaf regarding a 1910 census report for Julia Ann Pirkle, my great-grandmother born in 1875. I also got hints about Pearl, Idella, Lillian, Leston, Albert, and Flossie, all of whom I have never met.
When I first did the ancestry.com DNA test, without knowing anything about me, the computer listed my mother, father, and first cousin accurately based on DNA we share. Then the report became more vague as it listed thousands of possible distant relatives I’ll likely never meet. But it did force me to think about Flossie and Idella and the lives they had. And Henry and Julia Ann. What kind of mothers were they? What kind of fathers were they? What were their lives like? And what do I have in my emotional makeup that can be traced back to them?
One day I will show up as a leaf hint on the tree of a future as-yet-unborn descendant. And my genes will be passed on, and if not my genes, then my legacy as a woman, mom, and parent. What kind of legacy will I leave?
There are physical traits that we have inherited from the people who have come before us. My hair started to turn grey in my teens just like my mother’s did. And there are cognitive traits we inherit, such as how I create formulas and graphs to see what makes the most sense with numbers, like my dad does. But what about the parenting and behavioral traits I got from my parents, and they got from theirs, and so on?
Was there an ancestor who carried around a notebook to categorize and write everything down, like my son does? Is there someone who is intuitive and can sing like my daughter? And how did my other son become such an amazing artist?
Children, especially young children, are like sponges. Not only does their genetic makeup direct their abilities and cognition in certain ways, but the way we parent them also affects who they become. They absorb what we overtly teach them, and they absorb what we do and say when we don’t think they are looking. What are you teaching them about gender roles in the family? About how you treat people you don’t know? About what it means to be a family?
Be grateful for the positive parenting traits that you got from your family tree, as these will be easier for you to pass on. Encouraging kids to find their true self is generally done by parents who were allowed to find their true selves (or paid a lot of money in therapy to find theirs). Showing respect and kindness to your children is something that you had modeled for you in your own family of origin. And your value system is likely similar to your own foundation in the formative years, with modifications, of course. Did your family value education? Work ethic? Faith? Kindness? If so, these are familiar and easy to pass on. If not, maybe you have to work a little harder.
It is likely that some of us (all of us?) have things we do not want to pass to our children. If you suffered abuse or neglect as a child, I hope you will receive the help you need and not repeat the cycle with your children. If you were bullied by your parents or made to feel you were not enough, I hope you will not pass that on, either. And if there are things about your familial relationships that are hurtful, try to let them go so you don’t give your children that baggage to carry. What is not dealt with in one generation stands a good chance of being repeated in the next.
Of course we all have terrible parenting days. That’s part of the ride. But when you have a terrible parenting day, own it and tell your child that you were wrong. Modeling how to apologize for being a jerk is a huge life lesson.
All who came before us passed down the positive and negative, trickling down through the branches and leaves of your family tree. Take a moment to think of your ancestors and your descendants. What do you want to pass on? Is there something you want to work through so you will not pass it on? As a parent, you will leave a legacy for generations to come. Try to make it a good one.
The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice.