Children Should Be Heard
Allowing our children to speak their minds at two years old helps them learn that their voice matters.
One of my favorite well child visits to do as a pediatrician is for the 30-month-old toddler. Many of these children are learning to talk. Most are walking around the room when I enter and then go scurrying back to the proximity of a parent’s lap or legs when the exam room door opens.
Big but not big. Not a baby anymore, but not yet a preschooler. Learning to use a toilet but many still come in diapers. They are learning what it means to individuate from their parents – foot stomping, tantrums and all.
Recently I was examining a 2½ year old on his mother’s lap. He was adorable, full of conversation and life. While I was listening to his heart, stethoscope on his toddler chest, he said A-B-C-D-E-F-G, which took me right back to my own children at that age, singing along with Sesame Street.
“I’ll dance with you if you’ll dance with me,” I sang to him. Then, “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P. I’ll dance all day if you’ll dance with me.” I sang the song I had sung with my children a thousand times.
His face became thoughtful, pensive. He had the look of a toddler or child who is lost in thought. No smile. Completely still body, eyes looking out the window. Mind spinning.
“I guess it sounds better when Big Bird sings it,” I suggested, and completed his check-up. Ears, teeth, mouth, abdomen and reflexes all looked good. We determined he did not need either vaccines or blood tests, and I started to wrap up the visit.
“Elmo,” he said, looking right at me.
“What?” I asked for clarification.
“It was Elmo. Elmo sang that song.”
I cracked up as I realized he was right. Elmo did sing that song, not Big Bird. His parent, who is a wonderful mother, apologized. But I didn’t need an apology. This child, only 2.5 years old, knew what was right and he has been taught, either indirectly or directly, that his voice matters. He did not say anything to me that was rude or disrespectful. He simply spoke the truth.
When you work as a pediatrician, you get apologies from well-meaning parents every day. But most of them are not necessary. I do not believe in the old adage, “Children should be seen and not heard.” That one can go away as far as I’m concerned. Children deserve to be both seen and heard.
A young child will tell me I have white hair. Or freckles. Or look older than their parent. These are all facts, not judgments. Young children learn to judge from the rest of us but are not born inherently judgey. Usually I will respond, “Yes, I do. What do you think about that?” They have a simple answer. “I like it.” Or “It’s different from my skin.” Or “My mom is 30.”
When we teach our toddlers that what they have to say matters, they become children, then teens, then young adults who are able to speak up for what is right. I have faith in the future because of the grit and integrity I see in the children and young adults in my practice. They are not afraid to stand up for community members. They speak up against injustice.
Children who believe their voice matters are less likely to be in compromising situations in which they’re manipulated or abused by adults. They are more likely to speak up for a peer they see being bullied. They are firm in their beliefs, even if they hold an opinion that doesn’t fit in their family.
Children who believe their voice matters will grow into adults who stand up for themselves and work to make a difference in the world. Let your children’s voices be heard.
This week, I talked with a 19-year-old college student. She had been rear-ended by another car while she waited to turn into the Taco Bell drive-thru. The driver of the car that hit her was a middle-aged man. He got out of his car and asked for her information and insurance.
“Actually, you hit me, so I need your insurance and information,” this 19-year-old told the grown man.
“No, that’s not how it works. This is your fault. You shouldn’t have been stopped there. You need to give me your insurance,” he told her.
“You’re wrong. You hit me. I’ll just call the police and they can decide.” This young woman used her voice to speak up. She called for the police, and the officer determined that the man twice her age was at fault.
This young woman started life as an extremely verbal toddler. I was proud of her for adeptly handling that adult situation. A person’s ability to do so starts with having the confidence to say at 2.5 years old: You are wrong. It was Elmo.
The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice. Opinions are my own.