Guilt and Self-Care
Taking time for self-care creates more energy for the exhausting ride of parenthood
I was talking to someone this week with young children, including a precious pandemic-born 2-month-old baby. When you’re in that early, foggy stage of parenting, it is wonderful. The first years of parenting are life-altering in many beautiful ways.
I never knew I could love someone so much before I had children. There is nothing like hearing your baby’s voice as she coos for the first time at eight weeks. Feeling her breath as she sleeps on your shoulder. Seeing her face light up when you walk in to get her from the crib in the morning. It is sweet and snuggly and cozy.
It’s also a daily beating.
Basically, as the parent, you are attuned to an infant’s every need. You don’t really get what “waking up to feed every three hours” means until you’re the one waking up every three hours. You can read about changing 10 to 12 diapers a day, but until you’re wiping a bum every 2 hours (and paying $30 for a box of diapers), it doesn’t really sink in. The first couple of weeks, you are running on adrenaline, but weeks later and inevitably, it can be truly exhausting.
One of the things I told this woman is that my main regret from those early years of parenting is that I didn’t take time to exercise. I don’t think, if I were able to go back and do it again, I would do anything differently. I am who I am, and I wanted to physically be with my kids whenever I was able.
But now that my kids are older and I have time to prioritize myself again, I know what I need to stay sane. And as my kids have grown into the people they are, it’s important I recognize what they need to stay sane as well.
I wasn’t completely sedentary. I would go on a walk around the neighborhood with the stroller. I would take them on slow-moving bike rides once they were able. Maybe some brief hikes when we were on vacation. But I felt so guilty about being gone from the kids while I was working, first with terrible hours as a pediatric resident, and then part-time as a pediatrician, that when I was off, I didn’t want to leave their sides. I had the option of dropping them off at the local gym for an hour while I got some exercise, but I didn’t do it.
When my youngest child started kindergarten about five years ago, my sister-in-law finally convinced me to try a jazzercise class. Don’t laugh. It’s still around and does not require 80’s neon leotards and leg warmers. It is aerobic dancing, weights, and stretching, and soon, I was addicted. After five years, I need it.
If I don’t do it a few times a week, I get tension headaches, my back hurts, and I am moody and grumpy. As an introvert, it’s even better that I can now do it virtually from my own living room. The kids cringe at the sight of their mom dancing to Bruno Mars and Pitbull, but they accept it now when I enter the living room with my hand weights and ask them to turn off the XBOX for jazzercise.
I’ve also realized, at this stage of my life, that I need a couple of other things. I like to be alone every day (insert laughter during COVID quarantine). If I have too much on my schedule, I get irritable. And I need to read for at least 30 minutes a day and have a stack of books by my bedside, waiting in line.
Take a moment, even if you are in those exhausting early years of parenting, to think about what three or four things you need to stay sane. We all have them. You might be in a period of your life where you only have time for one thing, so think about that one thing. Work this week to try to put aside your parent-guilt and prioritize the self-care you choose.
My close friends know that my three things are a priority now. If they ask me to do something at a time when jazzercise is planned, they know I’m likely to choose jazzercise. They know I will tell them I’m not in the mood to be around people some evenings, and no one judges that I want to be alone.
To be our best selves, and the best parents we can be, we all need to prioritize the things that keep us in a good frame of mind. If you need to meditate for 15 minutes a day, make it a priority, even if you think you can’t stay awake an extra 15 minutes to do it. If you need to exercise and you have a safe place to leave your child so you can, you should. If it lifts your spirits to be with your adult friends and socialize, it’s OK to leave your children with a family member or trusted babysitter. Take time to pray. Dance. Sing. Get out in nature.
I promise your child will not suffer because you took the time to take care of yourself. Instead, your kids will have access to a parent who is more pleasant to be around. Even dedicating just a few minutes every day to self-care can change your mindset and attitude. And it will teach your child to recognize what he needs to stay sane as well.
Parenting is wonderful and life-changing. But it’s also exhausting. So put the guilt aside for a bit and do something for yourself. Your kids will thank you.
The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice.