They Will Tantrum
From toddlers to teens, when what I want for my teens conflicts with what they want, either they or I will be tantruming.
Ah, the sweet compliance of an infant. Even when they are smacking you in the face with their doughy hands, or throwing their spaghetti on the floor, it’s cute, right? It’s what they do. They laugh and look at us with their chubby cheeks and gummy smiles, and we instantly forgive them and move on.
Even in the frustrating overnight hours of a newborn’s fussiness, we can get past it. Newborns have a primal need to be held, fed, changed. They are not actively defying us. They have no voice but for crying, and they use it.
The first time your child actively defies you will occur somewhere between 15 months to 30 months. Later for first children and earlier for subsequents. It’s the 18-month-old who looks you in the eye as she pours her water on the floor right after you told her not to. Or the 2-year-old who sprints for the street as you’re yelling at him to “come here!”
I remember the maternal feeling of that first defiance. “Well. Here we go.”
Sometimes when I ask if a toddler is tantruming yet, parents are all aglow — even smug — as they tell me their uber-compliant child is not. Other times, parents are desperately wanting to know how to handle the screaming toddler flopping around on the floor like a fish out of water.
The truth is, a 2-year-old will tantrum. And believe it or not, you want him to. It means he has his own thoughts about the world and what will happen in it. It means that he is occasionally (and appropriately) told no.
When my son was about four, we were vacationing in Colorado with my family. My dad was trying to put up a badminton net, and my son was doing everything in his power to stop that from happening. My dad said, “Stop shaking the net,” and yet he persisted. My dad said, “Stop pulling the net,” and he stopped for a few minutes. The third time my dad asked him to stop, my son looked up at my dad and said “You need to quit saying that to me.”
I stepped in to discipline my child, but the truth is, my son was behaving, well, like a four-year-old. Questioning authority is natural for a preschooler who lives in the conflicted state of feeling big — much bigger than an infant — and yet feeling small and powerless as adults and older children tell him what to do.
Parents often have behavior questions when they bring their children for checkups. I don’t have all the answers (and thus refer to the psychology team frequently), but I do know this:
When a parent says to a misbehaving child, “Is this who you want to be?” The answer is: yes, the child or adolescent is behaving exactly how she wants to be. It just doesn’t mirror who you as the parent want her to be in that moment.
The more direct, accurate communication by the parent is, “This is not who I want you to be at this moment.”
The questions should really be: “How can I reconcile what I want for you in this moment with what you want for yourself?”
And as they enter the teen and young adult years: “How can I maintain this relationship and let you know what I want for you without driving you away?”
On the journey, we as parents really have to look within ourselves to see where the conflict is, where the trigger is — what deep, old bruise is being reactivated by our child’s experience or behavior. Before lashing out at my child, I need to consider my own reaction to their behavior.
The other night our Ring doorbell caught some young tweens, dressed all in black, carrying rolls of toilet paper to wrap a house down the street. This is exactly what the kids wanted to be doing. It may or may not have been parent-blessed — there was no parent with them.
When a teen sneaks out of the house and drives to meet his friends in the middle of the night — it’s exactly what he wants to be doing.
For your own sanity, I recommend getting yourself a friend or two, like I have, whom you can call and hysterically ask, “Why would they blah blah blah hysteria panic rabbit hole ridiculous teenage brain….” And who will give the reassuring response, “This is exactly what she is supposed to do at this age.”
As my kids grow into who the people they are meant to be, I have found myself needing to back up and let them find their way. If they read this, they will disagree that I’ve backed off, but that’s because they don’t know the nag-monster that is suppressed deep within me.
Their lifetime decisions will not always align with what I would choose for them. But their lifetime decisions are theirs, as mine have belonged to me.
As it turns out, the toddler tantrums are just a dress rehearsal. For the threenager attitude of the 3-year-old. For the eightitude of the 3rd grader. For the teen years and the young adulthood.
Once you’re out of the infant stage, parenting is a delicate dance between what my child wants and what I want for them. As a parent, my focus gradually has shifted from controlling a relationship to maintaining a relationship with my children.
Establishing boundaries starts young. But establishing respect does, too.
The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice. Opinions are my own.