We Don’t Care About Them
Learning to block out the noise and focus on ourselves is a very important life skill.
Photo by Julie Miley Schlegel
A few years ago, my son was pitching in an important-for-him baseball game. As I remember it, there was a kid from the other team on second base. Every time my son would position himself for the next pitch, the second baseman would pound his glove, a sign that the runner was going to try to steal third base.
Two or three times, my son would interrupt his concentration on the mound to turn to second base, making sure the runner wasn’t going to third. When the runner scrambled back to second, he would assume the pitching position again. He was totally distracted.
Finally, his coach called his name. “Hey. We don’t care about the runner. We don’t care about him.”
My son acknowledged the coach and focused on his pitching, striking the next batter out to end the inning. And I had my next metaphor. There have been so many times in my parenting and pediatric practice that I’ve used this coach’s words: we don’t care about them.
There is a blessed time from birth to about first or second grade when kids naturally have a pure and innocent lack of self-consciousness. It is why a toddler will go to the center of the room full of people, shaking their diaper-clad backside in a totally off-beat movement – just to feel the freedom of dance.
It is why a preschooler comes into my office wearing a Buzz Lightyear costume and pretends he can fly through the office. Why a 6-year-old comes in wearing a giant tiara with hot pink “diamonds” to accessorize her princess dress over pajama pants. Same goes for the cowboy-boots-with-pajamas look. Or rain boots on a bright, sunny day.
I love those years, when children are unfiltered. They tell me the most random stories, uncensored and from the heart. These are treasured years when their parents’ words, gestures, and breathing noises aren’t cringeworthy.
What a privilege it must be to not be self-conscious. Sadly, as life slaps them around, most children will lose this innocence as they get older. Somewhere around the early elementary years, self-consciousness tends to grow. And by middle school, most kids will look for a group into which they can assimilate.
Lululemon bags for school lunch instead of a (gasp) lunchbox! “No one does that!” becomes a common refrain as parents try to guide their children. Some have to have the right shoes, the right brand, the right hairstyle. Older children care what others think of them and want to fit in.
And then they go to high school and really start to care — like care enough to wear deodorant every day and actually use soap in the shower. Every now and then I meet an adolescent who is totally free to be their wonderful, unique self. But most of us are happy to not stand out. We try really hard to blend in. How many times have I told a tween or adolescent not to “care about them?”
She won’t let me in the jewelry-making club at recess. We don’t care about her — if you want to make jewelry, start your own club and make what you want.
He said only losers do library club. We don’t care about him — if you love to read and it makes you happy, be the president of that library club.
She said I’m not someone she’d want to date. We don’t care about her. You deserve to be with someone who sees what a fantastic person you are. Don’t waste time with anyone who doesn’t deserve you.
They said I’m not good at basketball because I didn’t make the team. We don’t care about them. If you love the sport, find a way to play it with your friends.
“We don’t care about them” seems like counter-intuitive parenting advice when we’re trying to raise kids who are good, peaceful citizens who love their neighbors. But it’s great advice for adolescents and humans who are trying to develop a sense of self — and self confidence — for life.
Of course we care about others with regard to kindness, being a good friend, empathy, compassion. But when others try to involve themselves in the way we feel about ourselves? We don’t care about them.
There’s a pretty good chance we parents need to say these coach’s words to ourselves, too. What are you doing in your parenting because it’s what you want to do? And what are you doing to keep up with the other parents?
Your friends say you have to use these bottles, this stroller, this crib. You have to breastfeed. You have to buy this formula from Europe. You have to use this parenting style (that doesn’t work for you). We don’t care about them.
Someone said you have to join that team in order to have a future in soccer but your child doesn’t want to do it? We don’t care about them. Live in that zip code you can’t afford? Attend that school? Get into that one particular college? We don’t care about them.
As I write this, I’m sitting at the salon next to a 5th grader who is getting a perm and proudly saying what he’s going to be for Halloween even though “No one knows who it is! The most famous video game character of 2017!” This seems to be a kid pretty comfortable in his own skin. May it stay that way through his rocky teen years.
And as for anyone who distracts us from the business of being ourselves? We don’t care about them.
The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice. Opinions are my own.