You’re Making Me Angry
Don’t accept blame for someone’s else’s emotions, and don’t blame someone else for yours.
Photo by Julie Schlegel: a beautiful sunset after a storm
One afternoon I was taking my son to practice. He was not happy with me. There had been a lost assignment that had caused him to lose video game privileges. He was 85% enraged.
He tossed his baseball bag in the back of the minivan with more force than usual. Pushing the button for the trunk to close, he stomped around and got into the passenger seat.
As soon as he shut the passenger door, beeps came from the back of the car and the trunk opened back up, unable to close with his bat sticking out. He looked at me and I looked at him. “Go fix it,” I said.
There was an annoyed grunt and some muttering as he got back out of the car, cleats clicking on the driveway as he fixed the back trunk and then stormed back to the passenger seat.
Closing the door, he said “Bro keeps making me mad.” In case you’re not around teenagers frequently, “bro” was me. I was “bro.”
Something, though, made me stay calm during this interaction. The winds of decent parenting were at my back. For once, my response was an A+ parent and human response.
Instead of getting sucked into the current as our interaction circled the drain, I just looked into his angry gaze and said, “I am not responsible for your anger. You’re choosing anger, and you can carry it.”
He said nothing, and I didn’t say anything else all the way to the baseball fields. Who knows what was in his 14-year-old brain, but in my brain, I quietly considered my revelation.
How many times over the last 20 years of parenting have I given others blame for and ownership of my feelings?
To the toddlers, “You are making me very frustrated throwing your food on the floor.”
To the elementary-aged kids, “You are making me sad fighting with each other. Why can’t you get along?”
To the tweens, “You’re infuriating me with your attitude. Don’t talk to me with that tone.”
And to the teenagers, “You’re disappointing me with your effort on that test.” And on and on.
All of these times, I misspoke. And, worse, I modeled for my kids what came back to me out of my son’s mouth that day. He was repeating what I had inadvertently taught him through the years.
Many times in life, we as humans have no control over what happens to us. Literally the only thing we can control at times is our reaction or response to what happens to us. We must work to control our responses and emotions.
I am frustrated. I am sad. I am infuriated. I am disappointed. By changing “you’re making me” statements to “I statements,” we get our power back. When we take ownership of our own emotions, it puts us back in control of them.
Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head controlling your emotions. Even your kids. And to the children and teens of the world, the same goes for you. Don’t let the people in your life push your buttons. Even your parents.
Any other day, I might’ve quipped back to my son, saying such unhelpful things as, “Oh, I’m making you angry? I’m making you angry? You’re making me angry by doing x, and then y, and finally z.”
But this day, I stayed calm. I didn’t let him give me responsibility for his emotion of anger. I let him hold the anger and own it. I let him feel all the pissed-off feelings he needed to feel. And, amazingly, it all diffused on its own.
If your kids know that all feelings are allowed, the feelings will hopefully come and go like waves on a beach. I can’t ask my child to do something I cannot do as an adult, however. If they have to own their emotions, I have to learn to own mine, too.
The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice. Opinions are my own.