Am I Doing OK?
Happy Mother’s Day 2025 to those who celebrate it.
Photo by Julie Miley Schlegel
As a pediatrician, one of my favorite appointment types is the newborn’s first visit. Released from the hospital at two or three days old, the babies come in to be checked in the first week of life, and then at two weeks and four weeks of age.
I make sure the babies are not too jaundiced, that they don’t have a heart murmur. I make sure they are feeding OK and have the right number of urine and stool diapers. I review the birth records and make sure the new parents are doing OK, too.
I can usually tell pretty quickly if my patient is a firstborn baby or a baby who has older siblings. There is a charming deer-in-the-headlights look to first-time parents. Any parent will remember the feeling after the adrenaline wears off. What have we gotten ourselves into? Will we ever sleep again?
I remember fondly one new mother who came in. She is one of the sweetest humans I’ve ever met. After I checked the baby, she said she had one more question. “Of course,” I asked her, sitting back down.
“Are we doing OK?” she asked. “Am I doing OK?”
I reassured her the best I could. Your baby looks very healthy. She is gaining weight. She’s already had three wet diapers since going home! She is alert, she is adorable. Her heart and lungs sound strong. And look at that – she’s already up an ounce from her hospital discharge weight.
This new mom looked into her daughter’s eyes. “Aw, you hear that? We’re doing all right. We did it,” she reassured the baby about her weight gain. We did it.
Being a parent is the most simple and the most complicated thing I’ve ever done. It’s the most rewarding journey, and also the hardest at times. I am 21 years into my parenting journey and my questions are still the same as this young mother’s. Are we doing OK? Am I doing OK?
My sister, Michelle, sent a video from her recent trip to Yellowstone National Park. In it, with photos and a really cute video, she told a Mother’s Day story to our family group chat. There was a herd of bison moving across a creek. There was a baby bison who stopped on the grass, refusing to move ahead with the herd.
The lumbering mother bison walked back to where her baby was as the herd kept moving. She appeared to nudge her baby on the video but the baby bison didn’t obey. The mother then chose to walk off in the direction of the herd knowing the baby would eventually follow. After the mother had walked several yards and the distance between mother and baby grew, the baby bison stood up. The baby bison ran through the mountain grass to catch up to her mother and rejoined the herd.
Watching this adorable video, we wondered about what was going on inside the mother bison’s head. How far can I walk away before I have to turn back for her? Is she coming? Is she safe? Are we doing OK? That mother bison on the video is each of us who has ever been a parent.
The truth is that, since I became a mother, my brain and attention have never been 100% my own. There is always a part of my mind and heart that is with my children, no matter how old they are, no matter where they are. I can’t just walk with the herd anymore, without part of my mind wondering about my children.
It started with the basics. Does she need to eat? Is he asleep? Can I finish the laundry before she wakes up? Is that baby-sound normal?
It got more complex as they got older and weren’t always in my physical care. What time do they need to be picked up? Do I have time to go to the store? Is she feeling all right? Why does he look sad? Is that kid making fun of her?
Even while I’m at work taking care of patients, there is a small part of my brain that my children hold. Did they make it safely to baseball? Is she off work and home safely? Did he arrive at the away game in rush-hour traffic?
This week as I told my patients’ mothers “Happy Mother’s Day,” I noted a common thread. None of the mothers had Mother’s Day in their minds. They were first concerned about their children, even if they were seeing me for a well check instead of a sick visit. Oh yeah, they said, mentally buried in the exploding family calendar for the month of May. It’s Mother’s Day weekend.
It made me happy that one of my favorite grandmothers said she was going to eat at Outback Steakhouse with her family. Others told of sharing the day with their mothers and mothers-in-law. For some, the holiday brought complicated emotions: for people who have recently lost their mothers, for example, or mothers who have lost their children. For those mothers who are not in good health. Those who always wanted to be a mother but weren’t able to. Those who feel they have failed at mothering.
But for all of us, there is the question from this sweet mother of a newborn. Are we doing OK? Am I doing OK? And as the days and years go by, I suppose most days we can say to ourselves and our children the very answer this woman gave her newborn daughter. “You hear that? We’re doing all right. We did it.”
The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice. Opinions are my own.