Enso

Learning to be OK with just being an adequate (not quite amazing) parent

On the day I was asked to think about a logo for my website and parenting blog, I wasn’t a very good parent. I was irritable, testy, and honestly just wanted a break from the children who that day seemed to be working my nerves and constantly needing something from me. To be fair, I’m sure I was on their nerves just as much. But there I was, writing about parenting and really just wanting to be alone and meet my own needs.

Because that day I felt like an inadequate parent, I did a Google search for “symbol of imperfection,” and the first symbol that came up was the enso.

I chose this logo for my website because I love the various interpretations of its meaning. It was easy for me to fall into a Google rabbit hole of articles about this symbol, and with each one, I could apply what I was reading to the journey and path of parenting. The more I read, the more I liked the enso as a symbol of parenting. 

According to my online research, the enso circle is a Japanese Zen symbol, also known as the “circle of enlightenment.” It is a hand-brushed circle that is created in one or two brushstrokes. When the circle is complete, it can represent perfection; when it is left open, imperfection. I’m not sure the circle of parenting is ever complete, but I’m 100% sure it is imperfect. 

I am not an artist, but even I can try to draw a circle with a single paintbrush. Placing the brush on the paper, in the beginning you have all the bristles working together with maximum paint. The stroke looks cohesive, just like our plans for our children. 

Photo by Digital Vision

The beginning of the circle is like holding your newborn. Better yet, it’s like a fully thought out birth plan. Everyone who has ever had a birth plan knows that giving birth or becoming a family hardly ever goes how you planned it. I often tell new mothers that a perceived “failure” when their birth plan doesn’t go as wanted is, indeed, their welcome-to-parenting lesson, teaching them they are not fully in control. It will be the first of many such lessons.

As the brush goes around the circle, and as the path of parenting proceeds, the brushstroke appears less cohesive. In the first year of life, there will be times when you just got your baby to sleep and you hear whining in the crib at 3 a.m. There will be times you just mopped and your 10-month-old throws her spaghetti on the floor. 

And then there is the first moment your toddler looks you in the eye and actively defies you. Welcome to the ride. Here begins the conflict of individuation, when the child becomes less who I dreamed he would be and want him to be and more who he is meant to be. 

One of my favorite photos of my daughter at two-and-a-half captures this perfectly. I had bought her a small doll to match her Janie and Jack outfit for the photo session. The doll was a bribe to keep a small bow in her hair for the photo (which I know is inadequate parenting). Just before the photographer clicked his camera, she used one hand to rip the bow from her hair and the other to throw the doll on the ground, and the photo captures her glaring down at both the doll and the bow on the ground in an angry, 2-year-old way. 

On the journey of parenting, the circle becomes less perfect. There are bristles who venture out on their own. The ink doesn’t look complete as some fibers deviate from the circular path and choose their own route. The circle continues, but it is no longer a single brushstroke. 

The enso can also represent a state in which your mind is free of thoughts, allowing you to be fully in the present. Most of our best parenting is done when we are fully present in the moment. Not when we are reading blog posts or parenting books. Not even when we are charting our baby’s feeds and wet diapers. Not when we are researching the best schools on their behalf. We are our best parenting selves when we are simply and actively present to our children. 

I have found in those moments where a toddler is defying you, or an adolescent is slamming a door in your face, sometimes taking even 15 minutes to sit with the child and be present can change the whole energy in the room. When the energy is bad, my reaction typically is to remove myself from the other people. But sometimes putting aside everything else, taking 10 deep breaths, and being present with the child for a few minutes can push the reset button. 

Parenting is a messy, imperfect path, but we all have to keep going around the circle and find our way. There is really no other path than to stay on the circle and keep trying. Some days, we’ll be the streak of paint leaving the path. Other days, it will be our children leaving the circle. But most days, we will be adequate, good-enough parents. And that is enough.

Photo by Scopio

The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice.