Firsts

Parenting: a cumulative series of firsts

Last week I took a day off and drove my kids, ages 10 to 16, to the Galveston beach for the day. I am at the stage of parenting, many years earned, when I can take a cold drink and a book and watch my kids frolic in the waves from my beach chair. So there I sat with my novel and my thoughts, listening to the waves come in and out.

After a while, I watched a young couple carrying a child of what appeared to be 15 months or so through the sand to stand at the place where the sea meets the land. The baby had on one of those baby beach sun hats, white with flowers on it, and a hot pink one-piece bathing suit stretched over a bulky swim diaper.

All three of my children reacted differently to seeing the ocean for the first time, but this baby took to it like my daughter had 15 years ago. Her parents put her down on the sand, where she laughed hysterically when the waves hit her fat little feet. And she waddled off into deeper water, amazed and smiling the entire time, while they took photo after photo of their daughter’s first beach trip. The whole 20-minute scene made me smile, remembering that same “first” with my daughter and all the “firsts” that have followed.

Years ago, I was witness to a painful interaction between a 14 year-old adolescent and his father. With tears in his eyes, as they tried to work through the parent-child issue they were battling, the father said to the adolescent male: “Please be patient with me. This is the first time I’ve parented a 14-year-old boy.”

I will not forget what that father placed in my mind that day. Although in 2020 I have been a parent for 16 years, this is the first time I’ve parented a 16-year-old girl, a 13-year-old boy, and this particular 10-year-old boy. And just when I get the hang of it, next year I’ll be parenting kids that are another year into their development, and I will have to learn all over again.

What a ride this parenting thing is. You go to birthing classes. You read books and blogs and watch videos so you can try to do it right. And then this writhing, screaming, kicking infant is in your arms, and you cannot remember what you read. Or you’re too exhausted to care. Perhaps you do remember it and try to extrapolate every sentence into your own parenting experience. Or you remember it and feel like you’re a failure for not being the parent the book says you should be.

But be gentle with yourself. The first time you soothe and feed your baby is the first time you’ve parented a newborn.

The first time you comfort your waddler who is trying to run but fell and scraped his knees, it’s the first time you’ve parented a yearling.

The first time you face off with a 2- or 4-year old, it’s the first time you’ve parented a preschooler.

There’s the first time you send your child to kindergarten. And then the first time you deal with your child getting her feelings hurt. And the first time your child doesn’t make a tryout or team. And the first time your adolescent gets his or her heart broken. This year, I have friends who are launching their fully-cooked young adults out of the nest and into their first year of college. The firsts never end.

All of these firsts wrapped into one encompass what it means to be a parent. Right when you master one stage, you move on to the next, in which you try your best but some days your best may not be enough. And the ride never ends (God willing)! It will always be the first time you parent a 15-year-old girl, or a 26-yr-old male, or a 40-yr-old adult!

And lest you parents with multiple children get smug and confident like I’ve been at times, believe me when I say that each individual child, with all of their traits and quirks and eccentricities, brings new joy and new difficulties to your parenting experience.

To my kids I borrow the words of the insightful father I heard so many years ago. Be patient with me. This is the first time I’m parenting this stage of YOU. I’m doing my best, but there will be days I will fail miserably. Hopefully I won’t screw you up too much along the way.

Enjoy today. Because today is the day you’ll be a parent to this child, standing on the beach with her toes in the waves. Remember her laughter. Remember her bulky swim diaper and her fat feet in the sand. Tomorrow she will have grown in spirit and mind, and your parenting will need to grow with her.

The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice.

Perspective

Enso