Are You Hearing?

There was a time one of my children was having a preschool behavior issue. I won’t bother with the details, but you know the issues that arise: They act out. They pout. They whine. They don’t sleep well. I remember talking to my mom about it and her noting that my child had a lot of stress in his life. A new classroom. Unfamiliar faces. New friends. You know, that kind of 3-year-old stress that can turn their life – and yours – upside down

My mom’s response was “your children will let you know what they need. You just have to be present to hear it.” I’m quite sure I rolled my eyes at the time, thinking I always hear my kids. I hear them every waking moment that we’re home, and sometimes while sleeping.

He was telling me what he needed (more attention) with his misbehavior. I altered my parenting to daily spend 30 minutes of time alone with that child and listen to his needs, and his misbehaviors resolved. 

Fast forward 10 years and to the scene last week of my coming home from work super crabby in the middle of a global pandemic. No doubt we are all living with different stressors than we normally do, both at work and at home. Indeed, statistics show increased levels of domestic violence during this time. People are out of work. Finances are stretched thin. And we’re all at home together, stewing in our stress.

So back to last week. I came home from work and didn’t like our choices for dinner. And the kids were feral. By feral, I mean they were in a room playing a video-game tournament and were making the worst godawful, nails-on-a-chalkboard teenage and tween noises known to man. For some reason there were low-pitched groans and grunting noises. There was something on par with a hyena laugh. There were high-pitched squeals interspersed with trash talk and a hundred variations of “bruh.” And it was all punctuated with the background music of Mario Kart. 

So I tried to settle into my room to finish reading Ta-Nehisi Coate’s “The Water Dancer,” which needed either silence or soothing music as a background noise, but I could only hear my wonderful children screeching. I yelled out multiple times, “BE QUIET!” and “DON’T EVER MAKE THAT NOISE AGAIN!” and “GUYS, I’M SERIOUS!” With my final shout, the tournament coincidentally ended, and I heard my daughter say, “Guys, I’m out. I need a little space from mom’s toxic energy.”

I asked my daughter if I could use that quote to write, and she told me she was just kidding when she said it, and I know she was. We are a sarcastic bunch. However, she was right. What I thought was toxic (the video games, the three of them whooping and hollering ) wasn’t what was toxic in my house. It was my attitude. I came home looking to be irritated, and I found a way to be.

Again, not just listening to my daughter’s words, but actually hearing them, changed my perspective. Sometimes we really do just get on each other’s nerves. But that particular evening, the person creating the toxic energy was looking back at me from the mirror. It took hearing my daughter’s words to make me realize that.

It’s very important during this time to not only listen to your children but to also hear them - no matter if it's expressed in behavior or words. “I hate my brother” might mean “I’m really missing my friends at school.” “I wish I didn’t live here” could mean “I saw something on the news that scared me.” And “I didn’t want the yellow sippy cup!” could mean “I’m a toddler that needs a hug.”

As my mom said, “your children will let you know what they need. You just have to be present to hear it.”

The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice.