Be Grateful for Unpleasantries

Every life experience, positive or negative, prepares your child for the future.

Photo by Ami Parikh

Years ago, when my children were probably ages 2 to 7 years old, the five of us plus my daughter’s ever-present best friend filed into the pews at church expecting a regular Sunday service. About halfway through the service, a woman who appeared to be homeless and in the midst of a psychotic episode took a seat in the pew directly in front of us. 

Her hallucinations and paranoia at first did not involve my family, but before too long, she turned around and focused her attention on my children and, specifically, my son. “Now I know the problem in the world. He’s sitting right here. You are the problem with the world,” she said to him, pointing her finger right in his face. 

My husband and I had enough life experience to know that this woman needed psychiatric help and that her messaging was not about us personally. But for the children, this was a scary experience. Shortly an usher came, escorted her out, and called for medical treatment, and the service went on as usual.

Luckily, after the service, another church member who is a psychiatrist took the children aside and explained to them that what happened wasn’t about them. Just like they had had an ear infection, or strep throat, or a viral upper respiratory infection, this woman’s brain was sick and needed treatment. She eased the children out of their panic and assured them that no one in our group is “the problem with the world.”

I remember calling my friend, Tonya, after the service, to apologize that her daughter had that experience with us. I was nervous to tell her, thinking her daughter would come home completely traumatized and afraid. But Tonya’s response surprised me. “It’s totally fine,” she said. “They need to have scary experiences like that when they’re in our care so that they will know how to handle them when they are out on their own.”

Still being in the “what the heck just happened” phase of that experience, I had not thought about it from that perspective, so her words stuck with me. Children need to have unsettling experiences while they’re in our care, so they will learn how to handle the scary experiences that will occur when they are out on their own.

Photo by Craig Adderley

The first thing that happened in that situation was that the four children turned to the adults in the pew -- my husband, my mother, and myself -- to see what our reaction would be. In fact, nine years later, my daughter’s memory of that day is the smell of her grandmother’s perfume as she buried her face in Mia’s dress. 

The kids did not see us panic. They did not see us lash out. We were able to draw them closer to protect them, and the situation unfolded calmly without anyone getting hurt. Because the three adults had experience handling unsettling situations, we were able to stay calm ourselves.

Clearly, no one wants to live through distressing experiences, but when they inevitably occur, try to use them as teaching opportunities for your children. Every single time your children experience something scary, sad, or confusing, be grateful it is happening in your care. 

Life is going to throw some really awful situations at your kids. You cannot and should not protect them from the storms. Indeed, experiencing those storms while they are young will teach them how to survive the storms that will surely envelop them as they leave the nest.

There are a plethora of unpleasant things to discuss with our children in 2020. Don’t shy away from them and pretend like everything is OK. Let yourself discuss what it feels like to be afraid of a global pandemic or losing someone you love. Talk about what it feels like to witness social injustice. Talk about the divisive culture we find ourselves in and how we can rise above and practice kindness instead. 

Because one day, these kids in our care, sitting with their American Girl dolls and Thomas the Trains in our church pews, or at our dinner tables, or in our cars on a road trip, are going to be out on their own. No doubt there will be a fresh new batch of unpleasant emotions to greet them, just around the corner. 

And if our children have been taught to stay calm in the midst of turmoil; if we have modeled for them how to sit with our own fear, sadness, anger and confusion and let the feelings come, then hopefully, they will be able to calm themselves when we are not around.

Photo by fizkes

The advice and opinions herein are by no means meant to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Please contact your personal physician, mental health provider or health care professional for medical advice.